dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
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