4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Randomize
