Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Randomize
