...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
That was before I lit my hair on fire
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
