I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
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