dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
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