I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
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