Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
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