i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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