no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
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