Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Randomize
