True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
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