turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
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