Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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