I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
They are going to name an STD after you.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
