I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
