Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
