Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Randomize
