I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
