I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
