I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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