Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
