he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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