I threw up into my coffee this morning.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
