Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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