Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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