I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Nobody cheats on THIS.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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