fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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