bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
