Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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