Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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