Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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