Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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