I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
