got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Randomize
