Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Randomize
