Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Randomize
