It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
We got so high we made milksteak
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
foreskin is a definite game changer
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
