some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
