u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
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