he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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