So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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