by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
