I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
