My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
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