i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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