It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
A+ Viking dick
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
