it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Randomize
