I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
