God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
What did we do last night that was yellow?
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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