you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
