if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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