I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
