Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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