i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Randomize