now i know why i became what i already was.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
