WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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