I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
