sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
did i just pee glitter
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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