I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Randomize
